WARNING: This is only for crying on specific instances – where kid has a meltdown because kid was refused something.
Kids cry for various reasons and some of the basic reasons include but not limited to – hunger, tiredness, sleepiness, teething etc. In those cases, the crying has to be addressed and kid needs to be paid attention – e.g by offering food/snack, or putting kid to nap/bed etc.. Kindly do not set limits or stay-listen when kid is crying for basic necessities.
Most of us think our kids are tricksters and they get things done from us by crying – so smart huh? They cry their lungs out and get it done – ALL THE TIME…
What if I say, they are not tricksters and we taught them that ?? I can see your expression – ‘pffft, what is she talking about?’ – Well, Allow me to explain 🙂
E.g. Cut to Scene1:
- You picked a broom to clean the floor -> kid lunges for the broom -> you refused to give broom
- Kid cries – is very upset, and is inconsolable – let us say it gets so bad to reach decibel level 60
- You feel bad, have no idea how to calm the baby.
- You end up giving it
Scene 2: sticking with broomstick example again
- You picked a broom -> kid lunges for broom -> you refused to give broom.
- Kid cries at decibel 60 and you still stand your ground
- Kid cries harder and reaches decibel 80 now,
- you are so distraught trying to calm baby and listening to defeaning cries
- You end up giving it
Scene 3:
- You picked a broom -> kid lunges for broom -> you refused to give broom.
- kid straight away zooms to decibel 100 now
- You end up giving it.
Decibel level 100 is now the new normal – forget about broom, for anything else that kid wants, the decibel level 100 is the new language, new form of communication now for the kid… Why?
- Because
- that is when it caught your attention
- that is when he/she/they were heard
- that is when their request for broom was approved
- that is the new form of communication !
- And we taught the kid that!
I can hear you protesting that you had no choice, however think through this again. What changed? Why was the item initially refused? Why was the item given after kid raised a voice?
Where is the confusion? or what caused the change of decision? It is this change that drives the new communication onto the kids mind. It is this indecisiveness that causes lot of meltdowns for both parents and kids.
What to do then? Become a ‘Yes mom’ in the first place. If the item was not dangerous in the first place, then give the item to kid -> you will prevent lot of meltdowns in the first place.
This is especially true if 98% of the time your kid is crying to get your attention and to get themselves heard. NOTE: Kids also sometimes go through phases of being terribly upset especially during milestone changes like teething or growth spurt. Hence assess the situation in front of you to see how to proceed.
‘Now what if the item or action was truly dangerous – what then? I mean, my kid will chew the broom off in 10 secs – there is no way for ‘Yes mom’ here.’
There is age-related safety and regular safety laws that needs to be followed. What then?
- You continue to set-the-limit
- and do stay-listening and use respectful language with the kid.
- You clearly articulate why you are setting the limit.
- You use redirection and finally distraction if absolutely necessary.
- Avoidance is another easy way as well (e.g. hiding the damn broom away from kids sight :D)
- Presetting expectations works wonders with practice.
Scenario 1: Kid tries to run towards the middle of the road. You catch the kid and hold the kid away from traffic and make sure kid stays in pedestrian walkway. Kid is crying loudly and struggling to let go your grips and escape.
This is the sample language for stay-listening and redirection.
“I know you are upset, but we cannot run into middle of the road. Road is for cars, it is very unsafe for us. I need you to be safe. That is why i am holding you back. If you want to run, we can go to playground and run there.
I know dear, it is upsetting, but I cannot let you run here. I am sorry. How about we go to playground and run there? you are not ready yet? okay, I will wait for you here. I am right here for you.”
In this situation, here you are holding your kid to ensure kid does not run into danger. It does not matter how much the kid cries, you do not let the kid run into the road
Scenario 2:
However let us say there is a situation at home. e.g. kid throwing a big item and you took the item away after one incident. Kid is now crying unconsolably
“I know you are upset, but that is a heavy item and it might hurt someone or break things. For your safety and x’s safety, I NEED to put it away. .
I know dear, it is upsetting. I am sorry. How about you throw this soft ball instead?”
If kid is so upset and refuses to be held or hugged
“Do you need a hug? No? that is okay, I will wait for you here. I am right here if you need me. and this soft ball is right here if you want to throw”
Obviously this is not a magic wand and does not sink in in one occurrence, however when you logically explain the reason for why you are setting the limit, it really helps the child understand what is going on. It reduces the power struggle since you now have a perfectly valid reason and you have clearly and consistently explained the reason every-time the situation re-occurred to the kid. There is no confusion in your mind, there is no going back and your approach is crystal-clear for the kid.
And if you are really fair and use setting limit only for safety reasons, kid will start to trust your judgements and be less resistant and reduce meltdowns for similar situations. They might still cry for new situations – simply because they have no idea (Remember BRAND NEW HUMANS – just 2 rounds around the sun 😀 ) – and you already know what to do then.
Note:
This is a heavy topic and multiple tactics are listed in bold text. Not all the tactics are exemplified here in detail.